Have You Ever Been Misunderstood? Intent vs. Impact
Have you ever been misunderstood? When someone tells us that something we said or did hurt them, our response may be to explain: “That’s not what I meant,” “You took that the wrong way,” or “I would never do that on purpose.”
Sometimes people tell us they are hurt because they care about the relationship and want to repair it.
Being misunderstood can be frustrating, especially when we believe our intentions were good. But it can also give us a chance to learn something about ourselves, the other person, and what is happening between us.
Intent tells us something about our internal experience. Impact tells us something about the other person’s experience. Both can be true at the same time. “I didn’t intend to hurt you” can be true, while “what you did hurt me” can also be true. The problem begins when intention is used to reject the other person’s experience.
Imagine accidentally knocking over someone’s drink. You didn’t mean to do it, but there is still a drink on the floor. A meaningful apology might include saying you’re sorry, helping clean it up, replacing the drink, or offering to pay the dry-cleaning bill if it spilled on their clothing. Your intention matters, but it doesn’t undo the impact.
This can be harder in relationships. Imagine your partner asks you about dinner while you are wearing headphones and you don’t respond. Later, they tell you they felt ignored and unappreciated. You simply didn’t hear them. When feeling misunderstood is frustrating or irritating, the conversation can quickly shift from what happened to defending ourselves.
Focusing on Intent looks like: “I wasn’t ignoring you! I had my headphones on."
Focusing on Impact sounds like: “I can see how not responding left you feeling ignored, even though that wasn’t my intention.”
A meaningful apology does not require us to agree with everything another person thinks about us or abandon our own experience. It does ask us to recognize what we did, take the impact seriously, and consider what repair or changed behavior may be needed.
For example:
Name what happened: “I didn’t respond when you asked me about dinner.”
Acknowledge the impact: “I can see how that left you feeling ignored, and that wasn’t my intention.”
Offer repair or change: “Next time, I’ll take off my headphones when I see you trying to get my attention.”
Sometimes we also need to understand what happened before we know what a meaningful apology requires. Power and social context matter. Racism, gender expectations, class, disability, workplace roles, and other differences can shape how interactions are experienced and what responsibility and repair require.
Instead of asking: Who is right? Who is wrong? How do I prove my side?
We can ask: What happened here? What am I responsible for? What might I be missing? What shaped their experience? Is power affecting what is happening between us?
Being misunderstood gives us a chance to move beyond deciding whose perspective is wrong or right. It gives us the opportunity to understand how intent, impact, context, responsibility, and power shape what happens between people, and then decide what an apology includes to figure out what moving forward looks like.
A Note About Harm and Power
This framework is for misunderstandings and relational conflict where intent, impact, and context can be explored. It is not meant to reframe coercion, abuse, discrimination, threats, or intentional harm as “misunderstandings.” Racism, sexism, and other forms of oppression can shape interactions even when harm was not consciously intended. Explicit and implicit discrimination or violence requires a different response.
If you need support: If you are experiencing abuse, coercion, discrimination, or violence, support is available. In New Brunswick, call 211 (24/7) for confidential help finding local services. For racism or discrimination, contact the New Brunswick Human Rights Commission at 1-888-471-2233. Across Canada, the Government of Canada maintains a directory of family- and gender-based-violence helplines and services.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Interested in Exploring This Further?
Melanie Tannenbaum, Scientific American — “But I Didn’t Mean It!” Why It’s So Hard to Prioritize Impacts Over Intents
Healthline — How Intent and Impact Differ and Why It Matters
Struthers, Eaton, Santelli, Uchiyama & Shirvani — “The Effects of Attributions of Intent and Apology on Forgiveness: When Saying Sorry May Not Help the Story”
ADL Education — When It Comes to Bias, We Must Prioritize Impact Over Intent
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